On her show today, cook girl Rachael Ray finally addressed the gazillion rumors that haunt us every time we check out of the grocery story with another box of wine: She and her hubby are not getting divorced, she hasn’t kicked him to the curb, he isn’t gay, and they’re doing as well as any other married couple could be expected to be doing at this point in cultural history.

“I wanna dish about tabloids,” Ray blurted, as only she can, “cause they are really killing me.” Then, she said:

John and I are happily, grotesquely, blissfully married. We have always been happy together since the day we met 8 years ago. I love him desperately and I would never be stupid enough to give up free legal advice, a rock star, and a great cook, and handsome guy at that….All of that junk is just that junk and they won’t stop printing it until people stop buying it.

Finally, she added that she’s not cooking a damn thing for Thanksgiving because her chump of a husband really pisses her off. Just kidding.